“Walk away from people who put you down. Walk away from fights that will never be resolved. Walk away from trying to please people who will never see your worth. The more you walk away from things that poison your soul, the healthier you will be.” ~Shaista Saba
“Are you coming to my dress fitting tomorrow?” Sam asked.
Holding the phone to my ear, puzzled, I replied, “I didn’t know you had a dress fitting tomorrow.”
My stepsister, Sam, paused. “Didn’t Mom invite you?”
“No, but I’d love to come,” I offered.
“Oh, I assumed she asked you. You’re my sister and a bridesmaid!”
Forcing a smile she couldn’t see, I reassured her, “I’m not invited to a lot of things, Sam. It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.” Sam gave me the time and location of the dress fitting for the following day, and I jotted it down while we finished the call.
My younger stepsister making it a point to call and invite me to her wedding dress fitting while expressing disapproval of her mother’s exclusionary behavior was new. Having Sam corroborate that her mother neglected to invite me, even though I was a member of the family and in the wedding party, felt incredibly validating.
I was no stranger to being snubbed by my stepmother. I had been left out of so many family events that it hardly fazed me anymore. Being overlooked was my norm, not the exception.
The previous Thanksgiving, my stepmother talked to her other daughter about the events planned for the following day while we all sat around the dinner table. After an awkward silence, my stepfather fumbled through asking me if my family planned to come over tomorrow too.
“I didn’t know people were coming over,” I stammered.
My stepmom, not bothering to make eye contact, waved her hand dismissively and said, “Well, everyone’s welcome.”
Being excluded was just the tip of the iceberg; I was also ignored, shamed, and insulted.
My stepmother did not call or reach out to me individually, only via group text. When I did see her, there was a definite possibility my behavior as a teen, though I am in my forties now, would be brought into the conversation to point out how difficult I was (my mother died when I was twelve, so the teen years were truly challenging for me).
While going through my divorce years ago, my stepmother told me to stay with my ex and “try harder” after I explained to her all that I’d endured, attempting to chastise me into staying married to a manipulative man who took advantage of me.
I spent the majority of my life feeling like I was unlovable and unworthy because of my stepmother’s toxic and emotionally abusive behavior. Still, I tried to keep myself and my daughters in her life. Having lost my own mother at a young age, with my stepfather remarrying, this was the only family dynamic I knew.
I invited my stepparents to all of the girls’ events. I recall a birthday party for my youngest where Sam talked about receiving her mother’s cookies in a college care package. I made the mistake of trying to lightheartedly tease my stepmother with, “Hey, you never sent me care packages.”
My stepmother’s smile disappeared as she turned toward me. “You certainly didn’t need cookies.” I was overweight in college. I tried to laugh off the insult as my face fell in shame. I tolerated the unkindness because I was taught to believe I deserved it.
After decades of trying to get my stepmother to love me and my girls and be a part of our lives, I finally understood that nothing would change the way she treated us.
The final straw that caused me to see the light was when she didn’t show up for lunch. I had invited her out to lunch the month prior and texted her when I arrived. She texted back saying she was running late, and based on the time it took to drive from her house to the restaurant, I suspected she’d forgotten.
This time, I did not send a text. I just waited… and she never showed up. I left the restaurant with a heavy heart, but my vision was clear. I had hit my limit and had to walk away, now understanding that the only thing I could change was myself.
I resolved to stop pouring energy into the relationship with my stepparents because they were never going to see my family’s worth. Their toxic and abusive behavior chipped away at my emotional well-being.
I had spent too much time trying to please my stepmother, only to end up resentful when she was cruel. It was scary to put boundaries in place, but after years of tolerating mistreatment, I mustered the courage to be brave.
I began to forge my own path. I decided to focus on the relationships in my life that were healthy and nurturing—my own extraordinary family, my loving husband and marvelous daughters. My kind in-laws, who are as devoted as my husband. My amazing friends, my chosen family. These are the relationships that held me up and brought me peace and unconditional love.
Moving in your own direction in life can be intimidating, especially when you are used to being demeaned. So, if you’re going through something similar, take your time and do what feels right for you.
After a long time of having no sense of my own worth, I began to develop self-love and self-respect by fostering healthy relationships. The more I intentionally chose to do what was suitable for me and my family, the easier it became.
Instead of feeling obligated to push my needs aside to accommodate those who hurt me under the guise of keeping the peace, I started considering my own needs and the needs of my husband and children. This new approach began to gain momentum very quickly. The more time I spent on healthy interactions, the less likely I was to allow toxicity in my life.
So how do you know when it is time to walk away?
If you are seeing red flags, ask yourself these questions:
- Does someone put you down more than they lift you up?
- After an interaction, do you feel drained or energized?
- Can a disagreement be talked about? Resolved? Or do you always have to concede?
- Does the other person celebrate you or tear you down?
- Do you have to minimize or hide parts of yourself?
- Are you constantly wishing things were different?
Only you can decide what is right for you; only you can know if it’s time to walk away and forge your own path. We only have this one wonderful life, and you get to decide how you want to live it and who you want by your side.
About Sadie Montgomery
Sadie Montgomery was born and raised in the Midwestern United States, where she currently resides on the shore of Lake Superior with her husband and children. She is an amateur baker and a professional accountant, and she won The Best Sense of Humor award in the sixth grade. Atlas of Scars is her debut memoir. You can find her on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and at sadiemontgomery.com.