Validation plays a crucial role in shaping our identity and sense of self-worth. When someone consistently dismisses or minimizes your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, this emotional invalidation can deeply affect your mental and emotional well-being. It can lead to suppressed emotions, heightened feelings of worthlessness, eroded self-esteem, and increased self-doubt.
In a relationship, this harmful behavior can create distance and confusion, making it hard to feel valued or understood. Recognizing the signs of emotional invalidation is key to addressing its damaging effects on your relationship.
1. Eye Rolling
Eye rolling can be hysterical — when it’s directed at someone else! But when an unironic eye-roll lands in your lap, it’s common to feel the rage of every Targaryen dragon.
Ultimately, it’s rude, invalidating, and can have a profoundly negative effect. So try limiting visual gymnastics to light-hearted and humorous times only.
2. “Why Are You So Emotional?”
Unfortunately, many folks are raised on the myth of stoicism and taught from a pre-verbal age that showing emotions is wrong or even immoral.
Science proves the opposite is true. Bottling up thoughts and feelings erodes our mental health and negatively impacts physical health, rendering statements like “why are you so emotional” invalidating and psychologically damaging.
3. Using a Dismissive Catch Phrase
Do you know someone who uses a “catchphrase” to signal that they disagree with something you said? Common examples include saying “I guess” or “whatever” in a snarky and dismissive tone.
Replying this way is an obnoxious, passive-aggressive habit that provides a cover of plausible deniability.
Being on the receiving end of these types of conversation-killing gibes can be crazy-making, and it’s a clear-cut example of emotional invalidation.
4. “Grow Up. Stop Acting Like a Baby.”
This is one that parents tend to use on their children during fits of frustration, but it’s language that every mom, dad, and guardian should eliminate from their response library.
People are complicated beings affected by zillions of influences. We all mess up, and sometimes we all need a little babying, regardless of age.
From a socio-psychological standpoint, many things that happened to us as children affect us as adults. So avoid flinging the “grow up” sentiment at people. It’s dismissive, and using it will make you a hypocrite.
5. “Everyone Has Problems. Get Over It.”
Playing “oppression Olympics” is rarely a good idea. Yes, everyone has problems. But that doesn’t mean our own pains don’t hurt.
Throwing a wide compassion net is commendable. Empathy, sympathy, and sensitivity are admirable qualities. Recognizing that everyone has their issues is laudable. But using that fact to shut people down is more often cruel than kind.
6. Checking Phone Mid-Conversation
When conversing with someone, there are few things ruder than being glued to your phone. Not only does it signal disinterest in what the other person is saying, but it’s also an invalidating action.
Sometimes, picking up a call is unavoidable. But if you’re expecting an important connection, politely let that be known at the beginning of the conversation.
7. “You’re So Needy!”
Telling someone they’re “needy” can be devastating for them. Besides, neediness is one of those things we all exhibit at one point or another, yet many folks tend to chastise others for displaying the behavior.
Being needy is normal. Sure, being overly clingy in certain situations may not be ideal. But snarling “needy” at someone when they’re going through a difficult time is borderline vicious.
8. Avoiding Discussion (Brushing Under the Carpet)
Refusing to talk about an issue you’re having with a friend, family member, partner, or colleague is immature.
Conflict and confrontation can be uncomfortable, but working through problems and growing as people is necessary.
You’re invalidating the other person’s thoughts, ideas, and feelings when you stubbornly refuse to engage in a conversation to clear the air or hear someone’s complaints.
9. “Stop Being So Sensitive!”
Sensitivity is not a bad quality! It’s good to be aware of your emotions and tuned in to those of the people around you. Sensitivity is a key ingredient to effective communication.
So the next time someone tells you to be less sensitive, ignore their demands. Sensitivity is one of our most essential communication road signs.
10. Interrupting
Interrupting someone mid-sentence to talk about yourself or bring the conversation back to you is incredibly self-centered.
For example, let’s say “Jane” has a medical emergency and is rushed to the hospital. The experience is harrowing, and the next day she calls her friend “Emily” to tell her about it.
One minute into the conversation, Emily interrupts Jane to recount how she once had to be rushed to the hospital.
Some people may think they’re empathizing by sharing similar situations. Still, it’s usually best to let the person going through a rough time vent before refocusing the discussion on one’s own experiences.
11. “It Could Be Worse.”
Everything could always be worse! But that doesn’t mean what’s happened isn’t bad or hurtful.
“It could be worse” is well-meaning enough, but it’s also exceptionally dismissive. We all hurt differently, and it’s our job as friends and family members to validate the feelings of our loved ones when they’re down in the dumps.
So leave phrases like “it could be worse” or “at least you…” on the shelf. In most cases, they’re unhelpful
12. Refusing to “Understand” Certain Requests
Have you ever gotten into an argument with someone, and they refuse to remember certain things you say that change the dynamics of the situation?
For example, let’s say “Chris” is upset with “Adam” for always saying “whatever” whenever Adam doesn’t agree or understand something. Chris points out that it’s dismissive and frustrating.
A few days later, Chris says to Adam: “We can do whatever you want on Friday,” and Adam freaks out. He says it’s unfair for Chris to use the word “whatever” when he, Chris, cannot.
In our example, Adam is being purposefully obtuse. He knows his friend is objecting to his use of “whatever” as a dismissive interjection, not in regular speech.
Yet, he tries to gaslight Chris into thinking his request is ridiculous. It’s a classic case of invalidation.
13. “Loosen Up! I Was Only Joking!”
Do you know someone who objects to every behavioral criticism with: Loosen up! I was only joking! It’s a lazy cop-out, not to mention exceptionally dismissive.
Sure, we all occasionally tell “blue” or inappropriate jokes that don’t land. That’s not what we’re talking about.
Saying insensitive, thoughtless things, then getting defensive when called out for it is a habit everyone should strive to overcome. It’s extremely invalidating and frustrating.
Moreover, people who behave like this often are left off invitation lists.
14. Ignoring
You know that ignoring people is rude and invalidating. It’s one of the first socialization skills we learn. And yet, these days, ghosting is rampant.
We understand the urge to ignore people. And sure, sometimes it’s necessary. But generally speaking, make time for polite closures. It can be uncomfortable, but it lets people know where they stand.
15. “I Know Exactly How You Feel.”
Nine times out of ten, people say something like “I know exactly how you feel” to be encouraging. They’re almost always trying to let you know that you’re not alone, which can be helpful in some situations.
Unfortunately, saying “I know exactly how you feel” lands differently than intended. The person on the receiving end can feel like the speaker is making the situation all about them.
16. “I Don’t See the Problem.”
Experiences are as varied as individuals, and it’s foolhardy to assume everyone has the same hurdles, obstacles, and encounters as yourself. Just because you don’t see a problem doesn’t mean there isn’t one.
Let compassion guide you, and think about how you feel when someone dismisses your questions and concerns.
17. Hiding Behind a Paper or Book
Newspapers are slowly becoming a thing of the past, but hiding behind an analog paper is a classic invalidation move.
Getting lost in a book is understandable, but if someone is trying to converse with you, be polite and put down your reading material.