Personal Development

An Unexpected Lesson on Boundaries and Putting Yourself First

7 November 2024
Bourahima


I just dropped off a rider—her name is Mariel.

When I picked her up, she got into the car and said she was headed downtown. I casually mentioned that I live downtown, near the Walt Disney Concert Hall. She smiled, said, “That’s fire,” and then, just like that, she put on her headphones.

And I got angry. Yeah, I’m admitting it. That stupid, bubbling rage started to rise. Why? Because I’m insecure.

My mind started spinning: How could she put on her headphones like I don’t matter? Isn’t that rude? I caught myself thinking she should be giving me attention, talking to me—acknowledging me. I mean, wasn’t I the one driving her, providing a service, doing her a favor? But then it hit me. No, I wasn’t doing her a favor. I was doing my job.

Mariel didn’t do a damn thing to hurt me. She wasn’t out to snub me or make me feel small. She wasn’t dismissing me at all. You know what she was doing? She was putting herself first, unapologetically. She just wanted to rock out to her music, enjoy the ride her way. She did what we all should be doing—taking care of herself without worrying about how it looked to others.

It was a gut check moment for me. I felt exposed—my need for validation, my desire to be seen and acknowledged, all laid bare in a single interaction. But why? Why did I care so much that this stranger wasn’t engaging with me?

The truth is, it wasn’t really about Mariel at all. It was about me, about this bottomless well of neediness that I hadn’t fully acknowledged before. I’ve been feeding off other people’s attention like a vampire, needing their smiles, their laughter, their words to feel okay about myself. And Mariel, without saying a word, held up a mirror and made me see it.

Mariel’s Magic: The Art of Not Giving a Damn

Mariel didn’t give a damn about what I thought, or at least didn’t seem like she did, and that’s exactly what made her so powerful. She was living her truth, moment by moment. Maybe she’d had a long day and just needed to zone out. Maybe she was lost in some existential daydream, pondering the meaning of life, or maybe she was just tired and wanted to listen to her favorite playlist. Whatever the reason, she didn’t owe me anything beyond the basic courtesy of “hello” and “goodbye.” And why should she?

Too often, I’ve found myself stuck in a loop of trying to please everyone around me. I’m like a shapeshifter, bending myself into whatever form I think someone else wants me to be. I tell myself I’m being kind, considerate, attentive. But in reality, it’s just fear—a desperate attempt to be liked, to be needed, to be seen. But Mariel? She wasn’t playing that game. She was the antidote to the people-pleasing poison I’d been sipping on for years.

Mariel was a masterclass in boundaries, and I was the desperate student trying to graduate to her level. She wasn’t being rude or dismissive. She was being herself—no masks, no filters. And I envied her for that. I envied her for not feeling like she needed to make small talk or placate me with some half-assed conversation. She was just doing her, and I was left to deal with my own insecurities.

A Lesson in Self-Respect

Here’s what I learned from Mariel: Putting yourself first isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. It’s about knowing your limits and respecting your own needs enough to honor them. It’s about having the guts to say, “This is what I need right now, and I’m not going to compromise it just to make you feel better.” It’s about being honest, not just with others but with yourself.

And the truth is, I haven’t been honest with myself. I’ve been bending over backwards to be the “nice guy,” the “good listener,” the “friendly driver,” all the while secretly resenting the people who didn’t reciprocate.

It’s a game I’ve been playing for so long, I didn’t even realize I was playing it. But Mariel made me see it. She shone a light on the dark corners of my neediness, my fear of rejection, my deep-seated belief that I’m not enough unless I’m being validated by someone else.

Mariel didn’t need my validation. And she sure as hell didn’t need to validate me. She was in her own world, taking care of herself, and in doing so, she showed me the way. She showed me that it’s okay to say, “This is what I need right now, and I’m going to take it, unapologetically.” She showed me that true self-respect doesn’t come from getting others to see your worth. It comes from seeing your own worth and not compromising it for anyone.

Unapologetic Self-Care: The Mariel Method

So, here’s to you, Mariel. Thank you for the lesson I didn’t know I needed. You taught me that self-care isn’t just bubble baths and meditation. It’s also having the courage to say, “No, I’m not engaging right now because I need this time for me.” You showed me that it’s okay to be a little self-centered, a little guarded with your energy. And that it’s not my job—or anyone else’s—to take care of someone else’s feelings at the expense of my own.

We’re all so caught up in this idea that we have to be everything to everyone, that we have to be likable, agreeable, pleasant. But what if we just… stopped? What if we took a page out of Mariel’s book and decided to live on our own terms, without explanation, without apology? What if we gave ourselves the freedom to just be?

Mariel didn’t do anything extraordinary. She didn’t cure cancer or climb Mount Everest. She didn’t give some inspirational TED Talk. All she did was put on her headphones and tune out the world. But in that simple act, she gave me a gift. She gave me permission to stop trying so hard to be everything for everyone. To stop performing. To just exist.

The Real Hero’s Journey

I think, in a way, we’re all looking for permission to be ourselves. We’re all waiting for someone to say, “It’s okay. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be everything for everyone. You just have to be you.”

But the truth is, that permission has to come from within. We have to be our own gatekeepers, our own liberators. And that’s what Mariel showed me. She wasn’t looking for anyone’s approval. She wasn’t waiting for anyone to give her permission. She just took it.

And that’s what I want to do. I want to take that permission and run with it. I want to live unapologetically. I want to put myself first, not in a selfish way, but in a way that honors my own needs and boundaries. I want to stop needing everyone to like me, to validate me, to make me feel worthy. Because the truth is, I am worthy. Just as I am. Without the masks, without the performances, without the need for anyone else’s approval.

The Takeaway

So, here’s to you, Mariel. You, with your headphones and your unapologetic self-care. You, who probably didn’t even know you were teaching me something profound. Thank you for showing me what it means to put yourself first, to live authentically, to honor your needs in a world that demands we give, give, give until there’s nothing left. Thanks for reminding me that it’s okay to take up space, to put ourselves first, to just be.